AI - A Parable

 I asked an AI to create a parable about my generation, GenX. 

It generated a parable about a group of travelers in a forest and the GenXer came up with a solution that got them through.

I thought that was pretty good.

I'm born 1980, so I'm right on the cusp of Millennials. I asked for a parable about the Millennial generation and (Oh, and by the way, it and it gave me the a warning that it was just an AI.). So I asked for a Millennial parable and it was the same parable with just a few minor differences.

I said, "Those parables sound very similar. Can you give me something different?"

Then it said, Oh, I'm sorry that was too formulaic for you. Let's try this one.

Then it proceeded to give me a parable about how I shouldn't be so judgmental.

I'm not drawing any final conclusions, but I think that AI was being funny.

---

I'm just discovering AI chatbots like ChatGPT. I've been working on a novel about AI, but never really interacted with one as sophisticated as the current generation. I'll probably be posting about this more in the future.

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-

-Good luck.-

ADHD - An Executive Function Disorder?

 This Video:

Some key points that I took away, by the 7s:

1. ADHD is an executive function disorder rather than an intelligence disorder.
2. People with ADHD may know and often do know how to act. But there is a disconnect between what they know and executing that knowledge in the real world.
3. External and immediate consequences for actions are important in helping someone with ADHD recognize and address their own behavior. Disconnected consequences or results are not as useful.
4. Breaking large tasks up into smaller tasks is often helpful.
5. External reminders of what needs to be done is often helpful. (For me, checklists and visible clocks seem to be important.)
6. Executive function fatigue: The executive function mechanism in the body/brain takes energy that can be quickly used up. If not refilled or refreshed, the next activity that requires executive function decisions will be inhibited.
7. Breaks need to be restorative (e.g. 10 minutes of work, 3 minutes of rest.). Refilling the executive "gas tank" can include some of the following activities:

• Self statements of effectiveness. (e.g. "You got this.", or "I got this.")
• Take 10 minute breaks more often.
•  Rest the executive functions. Don't do anything that taxes that fuel tank.
• Visualize future rewards
• Physical Exercise
• Blood glucose in the frontal lobe (Sip lemonade/sugar/etc. sip, not gulp)

My Experience

At 42 years old, I found out that I likely have ADD. I tell you what...it's been a game changer.

I have often been told and felt that I was different. I seemed to see and experience life through a lens that didn't quite line up with what everyone else seemed to experience. I just thought it was my own uniqueness. And though I certainly have some of that, It seems that there were some other factors at play. In fact, looking back, I can see that many of the people that I tended to find connection and conversation easier with have also struggled with ADD/ADHD. Nearly all of my closest friends have. Here are a few questions that came up for me when I first found out that one of my friends struggled with ADHD and she didn't find out until she was a similar age.

How did this affect my life?

I'm still working that out. When I started taking the medication that I now take, the difference in my mental processes was so stark that I am still identifying behaviors or thought processes that were affected. I'm absolutely sure it affected my relationships. This video was eye opening for me in some of the ways ADD/ADHD might have affected me.

Why didn't I know I had ADD/ADHD?

That's a mixed bag. From what I gather, there's still a significant underdiagnoses issue with ADD/ADHD. When I became an adult, I had learned a lot of ways to live like everyone else. As a kid, I was "gifted". I guess it's a pretty common for people to be twice-exceptional. It's easier to miss other signs in these individuals.

Am I an expert?

Ummmmm....no. I'm sharing this as I learn. If you happen to be learning about ADD or ADHD, please give me a call or contact me. I'm sure I'll have that function set up on this blog at some point.

What the heck are executive functions?

That one is new to me. Above, in the first video, he mentions that he considers ADHD an executive function disorder. One of the tools he suggests is to take breaks to restore the executive function "fuel tank". That's a new term to me, so I looked it up. My search led me here, here, and here. There's plenty more.

For a fun infographic, go here.

How did you know that you struggled with ADD?

I took a few online analysis tests and then spoke with my physician. He helped me evaluate my needs and figure out steps to take. If you are wondering if you may have some struggles that could be addressed, you might try reading a few articles, watching a few videos, taking an online quiz, and talking to your doctor or mental health professional.

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-

-Good luck.-

Love

It's February, the month of St. Valentines day. The month of love. Black History month. Presidents' Day. The month we remember that Bill Murray relived the same day over and over until he learned to be a good person. The month that's so good we have to limit the number of days so that we only get 29 every four years.

What are your feelings about February? About St. Valentines Day? About love?

Some suggest that love is one of the most important needs in life. Not what we have come to call romantic love, but the connection and connections we build with our family, close friends, and yes, our sweethearts. 

Connection is pretty amazing. Connecting positively with the people around you can help develop good mental health, gain strength to resist addiction or other forms of harmful behavior. In fact, I would go so far as to say that connection is essential to a full life.

Yes, even for introverts like me. 

Looking into the history of February and weird spelling, you may find other insights for yourself. And like most things in our world, it's a month that's got some history.

Whatever reason you love, hate, or meh this month, I recommend finding someone to connect with. Maybe you can share some obscure calendrical knowledge. 

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-

-Good luck.-

May I Interrupt For a Moment?

 Language is a funny thing. When you hear the word, you may first think of the words you say, the grammar class you hated in school, the foreign language that you never quite mastered. Or Captain America's reminder to the Avengers to watch theirs.

One thing that fascinated me when learning about language is the use of pauses and interruptions. There seem to be at least two levels of culture in effect here. (Okay, there are probably at least a dozen more levels that I'm not mentioning, but I'm going to talk about two.) Let's talk about the culture of your nationality. For simplicity, we'll define that as the place where most people speak your language natively. And we're not even getting into accents or dialects.

The other culture that I'm going to mention is your family culture. The culture of those you grew up with. 

It's likely that each of these cultures has a (usually unspoken) rule about how to interrupt someone. What kind of space to give their words. Some cultures seem to nearly speak over each other taking no mind for what anyone else is saying. At least that's how it seems to me.

Other cultures give space to a speaker and their words, waiting until they are finished before proceeding to respond.

Sometimes family culture can clash with national culture. Sometimes the two cultures reinforce each other.

Where do you think you fall on the scale? Do you tend towards overlapping dialogue, or do you pull back to give space? What are the advantages of your style? Do you see any advantages to the opposing style?

Just a thought. 

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-
-Good luck.-

Active Listening

When I was 14 or 15 I heard about active listening. I was engaged by the idea and I have tried to implement the practice ever since. 

But I don't do it very well, especially in high tension conversations. Something to keep working on. 

My brother reminded me of the principle and shared this link to an article on some good phrases or behaviors to use that might help me in my active listening. 

Do you have any tips or resources? I'd love to hear them. Let me know below or send me a message. 

Productivity - Round Two

(This is an old article. Never published, but drafted on 10/11/2015. I read though it and thought it was still worth sharing.)

In preparing for next year's LTUE, I've been thinking about writing productivity. It's kind of a pet research project of mine.

Here are a few links to other writers talking about productivity that I found:

• John Cleese gave a great presentation on productivity and what he called "turtling". You can find it here.
• Rachel Aaron posted as a guest on the SFWA blog "How I Went From Writing 2,000 words a day to 10,000 words a day.".... Hmm, I guess she's got a book about it now.

Here are some of my thoughts:

The Subconscious brain (Keeps working on your problems while you do something else. i.e. the Winnie the Pooh effect, or "sleep on it") Salvador Dali reportedly would sit in a chair with a pencil in his had and fall asleep. When he did, the pencil would slip out of his hand and wake him up. The thoughts he had in those moments were one place that he sought inspiration.

John Cleese again

Creativity is not a talent, but a mood. A way of thinking in which you "play" with ideas and solutions. Your mind is "open" to possible solutions. You're not just plugging in the "right" answer, you're open to other possible solutions.

We need to be in the open mode when we're pondering. We need to be in the closed mode when we decide upon a solution. We need to act on our solution without fear that we're wrong. In open mode, we are always slightly suspicious that there's a better way. In closed mode we are simply implementing the way we've chosen (though we justify to ourselves that we have chosen the right way). It has to be that way. To carry out a task successfully, we can't question ourselves. It's important that we balance these two modes.

Here's a little anecdote. I have a full time job. Some of you might as well. It doesn't give me a lot of time to write. I don't get to sit around for three or more hours a day working on my manuscripts. But, my wife is patient enough with me to give me some time every day to write. I get 1 hour. After I get off work, I go to work writing. Sometimes I go to the library (which was very important in starting this habit),  Sometimes I come home and go unfeelingly into my bedroom which doubles (poorly I might add) as an office.

I've found time and again that one hour is barely enough to get into a creative mindset. I'll think and relax, try to clear my mind, and start writing at about minute 45. For those of you who are not great mathematicians, that means I get 15 minutes of writing every day. How long would it take to write a novel at that rate?

Fortunately, I stumbled upon a tool which was confirmed when I listened to John Cleese's presentation. I have lunch and two 15 minute breaks at work. Now I can't really write during those breaks. The environment is too distracting, there's not enough time, and....well...I like the Foosball too much.

But when I tried writing on my breaks, I discovered that I did have the time to jot down a few notes about what happens next in my stories. Just one or two sentences. Even poorly written sentences. This is not necessarily an outline. I am an outliner, but I've already done that. This is just a quick reminder to myself about the scene I'm getting ready to write. Then, when I'm driving home or to the library, I turn off the radio. I take another moment to get things out of the way. I let my mind again wander toward my story. I take myself out of the frustrations of my world, knowing that at 6:30 exactly, I will get right back to them.

And it works.

I've been able to come to my one hour of writing and instead of 15 minutes, I get closer to 50 minutes of productivity. I am actually making progress.

Why?

I'm engaging two of my brains tools. First, I'm giving my subconscious mind something to work on. I'm "sleeping on it" even though I'm still awake. Second, I'm removing a task from my brain's workload during the writing time. That frees up brainpower to work on the actual task of writing. If I sit down and wonder, "What am I going to write?" then I'm in the open mode. But when I sit down to write the scene that I've already prepared in my subconscious mind (with a little work on the conscious side. Remember I've already written an outline and painted with some broad strokes.) for the task. I sit down and can enter my "closed" mode and get down to business.

Intermediate Impossibles - It doesn't matter if this idea is absurd, it's a stepping stone to a new idea.

Crisis Mode - You can engender a permanent attitude of crisis if you're not careful. Avoid at all times the idea that any activity is a crisis. If your assignment is due and you don't have time, it's not a crisis. Do the best you can with what you have. If your child falls off the slide and cracks their forehead open, it's not a crisis. Take care of the situation. Take care of your child. Do well with what you have. But do not enter crisis mode. Crisis is an attitude that can be applied to dirty dishes, someone using your cell phone, a job not finished in time. Work to get things done right. Set goals. Do your best in a bad situation. But never enter crisis mode unless you have an actual crisis. You run the risk of losing control of what little power you have to help the situation. Finish the job, and then freak out afterword if a little freak out is necessary. I have five brothers and one sister. We had injuries in our house growing up. My mother always calmly bandaged our wounds, took us to the doctor for stitches, or took care of the problem. And then, when everyone was safe, she would fall apart. In moments of crisis, we should never fall apart. Avoid the attitude of crisis. Everything can be resolved, and if it can't, then we have no control. Don't worry. Just write.

Breathe

Poem 1/22/2023

Breathe out
and your breath is gone.

The sun sets,
and all is dark.

Slowly but surely,
the moon disappears.
Each night taking one slice more.

Autumn appears
and the world starts to pass away
into the cold, dark, winter.

Time comes
and takes your companions away.

What can we learn in a world so full of endings?
What can we gain from a life so full of death?

Even Jesus died.
.
.
.
And then he rose again.

We can learn that endings come and go.
We can learn that death is not the end.

Companions old and new
bring joy once again.

Leaves break through the snow.
Branches bud in new warmth
of spring.

Slice by slice every passing night
The moon returns.

Morning light breaks
with a new Sun

Air is not gone forever
we breathe in.

---
Note:
Life is full of abundance. There is enough for all of us and more. Joy, space, food, drink, shelter, love. Just because the world turns away from the sun, doesn't mean the sun is gone. Don't fear the darkness. The world always turns back around. Live in abundance for yourself, and everyone else.

I Care.

Princess Leia Organa : Your friend is quite the mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything. Or anybody. [she stalks out] 

Luke Skywalker : [calling after her]  I care.  Luke Skywalker - IMDB.com

This is a follow up/response to my last post. "Who gives a crap?" 

I wanted to post a follow up because we don't live in a single instant. We are time travelers. Always moving forward.  

“You can't cross the same river twice, I always say.”

Granny Weatherwax - Equal Rites

or perhaps you'd like a more traditional, quote.

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." 

Heraclitus - Brainy Quotes

So I'm not the same man that I was two weeks ago when I made that post. In fact things changed rather quickly. Within a day or two. But those moments when I feel that post, I tend to forget that these posts exist. And if I do remember them, it's sometimes hard to not resent them, get angry, or dismiss them. Brandon Sanderson says something about that in his book Oathbringer.

“He felt good lots of days. Trouble was, on the bad days, that was hard to remember. At those times, for some reason, he felt like he had always been in that darkness, and always would be.”

-Kaladin, Oathbringer

We go numb, or we want to. We forget what the world looks like outside of our funk. The moment takes over.

Why? There are a number of theories about that. Fight or flight, survival brain, anxiety, predetermined response, etc. I don't know which one is right. I just know what happens to me.

In the darkness, in the hurt, in the funk, I can't see out. And what's worse, in those moments, I don't want to.

There's a piece of advice that goes like this, "You could if you wanted to. You have free will. You're choosing your pain." And I know that.

Unfortunately, for me, the problem doesn't seem to be about what I know. At least not in that way. I know I have the choice. In fact, I'm even more upset that I'm upset because I know I shouldn't be. I'm smarter than that, and the feelings still take over.

Now, I've done a bit of therapy*, and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is something that's helped me. It helps kind of take care of the problem "upstream" as they say. And it can help in the moment. I'll do a full post on it sometime, probably a couple because it has been so useful to me. But here's the overview.

Our brains do stuff when something happens. It's pretty amazing. A lot of times, they even kick it into autopilot. We can react to things before we consciously know what's going on. That can be helpful. Especially in a dangerous situation. Our brain managed to keep us alive once when we were on the top rung of a ladder. So the next time we get up there, our brain is pre-programmed to watch out for that as a danger. If we refuse to go up a ladder because our brain is getting that program ready, then we reinforce the perceived threat. The more we do that, the stronger the brain's response is to that particular threat (real or not). So our brain avoids danger by staying away from danger. And soon we can't even look at a ladder without getting nervous.

That's probably simplified, but it's how I currently understand the basic principle.

The problem comes in when our brain responds to something in a way that is inappropriate. We went to a friend's house once and we were embarrassed. So we don't go back again. We were stressed and overwhelmed and yelled at our friends and then they all came and gave us hugs. So next time we're stressed and overwhelmed, we start to feel like yelling. We had someone hurt us in a significant way. So our brain develops the "distrust" algorithm whenever a similar trigger comes along.

CBT is designed to kind of attack these autopilot algorithms that have kept us safe, but are now being triggered in other circumstances that may not seem connected.

I'm in a store and when I pick up an avocado, I suddenly feel anxious. I put the avocado down and have to take a few breaths and force myself to stay in the store.

What?

I like avocados. I don't particularly like all guacamole. (Well I didn't, but I've grown to enjoy many of them.) But there is nothing in my history about avocados that should make me nervous. Why is this happening?

It turns out that the guy on the other side of the produce stand who just picked up a green pepper, yeah, he's a dead ringer for the guy that someone special cheated on me with...multiple times. I went into a spiral of depression each time getting worse. My brain knows that. It remembers the crying, the hurting, the suppression, the anger, the unexpected rage, the darkness. My brain doesn't want that to happen again. So what does it do? It starts giving me warnings. Starts some of the subroutines. It's a good brain, so it does that without me even realizing what's going on. 

Who's a good brain? You. You're a good brain. Yes you are!

The problem is, the perceived threat isn't a real threat. That guy across the produce section isn't the guy. After a second of awkward staring out of the corner of my eye I can easily tell that it's not him. My brain is going into overdrive protective mode like a helicopter parent on (well...I was going to say steroids, (Ugh, autocorrect is telling me that I spelled steroids wrong, but I totally know it's right.) but that seems too cliché.) So a helicopter parent on Michael Bay. Or maybe Liam Neeson, or to be more inclusive, a helicopter parent on Danai Gurira (You'll have to scroll down and look at the Okoye section).

So, enter CBT.

In as few words as I can (and you can tell that I don't do few words) I will give you the steps.

1. Recognize the feeling you're having.
2. Give it a name and say it
3. Try to identify the cognitive distortion (thinking error) that is feeding the feeling.
4. Think about what you did last time you had this feeling. If you can, consider an alternative response. (Last time I was freaked out like this, I threw the fruit at the guy and ran away. This time maybe I'll put the fruit down and talk to him and prove that it's not that guy. Umm, are you serious? I'm not doing that. I'm still fighting to stay in the store. Okay, maybe...)
5. Alternative actions - Recognizing that the completely rational or brave thing to do might be too much, consider trying something else that you didn't before and see if it's effective. (Maybe this time I just put the fruit down and walk to another section of the store. I can come back and get avocado's at the end of my shopping trip. Oh, Ok. Yeah. I guess that is better than throwing things.)
6. Ride out the feelings. Yeah, they suck. It probably won't be easy. Maybe you need to call a friend. Maybe you need to get yourself a snow cone. But know that these feelings will probably go away because they have before.)
7. Tons of other skills that can be used to help. I'm just gonna link to this page again, because they explain it pretty well.

So this may not be your answer. Maybe it's not even close. But it's something that helped me. And even if it's not your answer, I just wanted you to know that I'm okay right now. Because sometimes we're not. Sometimes we don't want to give a care. And sometimes we do.

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-
-Good luck.-

Who gives a crap?

 "Who gives a..." I'll let you choose your preferred expletive there.

Google, or whatever algorithm is running behind my typing thinks that I should have said "expletives" up there. I don't know why. But that's okay. Maybe the algorithm knows that you have more than one. I'm sorry if it's been that kind of day.

This is a common thought for me. "Who gives a...", or "Whatever?" or just tossing my hands up mentally in the air. I don't want to deal. I don't want to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, where I am, and I don't want to make the effort that I know it will take to be somewhere else.

I know that being somewhere else would be preferable. But I'm kind of numb.

When I reach out to others, the usual answer is someone telling me what I should do. How to get out of my funk.

I have thoughts. Plenty of theories about why I feel numb and what I can do to change that. But, "What's the use?"

That's the feeling. That's the best I can do to describe my mental and emotional state in those circumstances. And I say "those circumstances" here because I want to distance myself from them in your mind as a reader. "I'm not feeling that," I seem to be saying, "I'm intelligent and thoughtful. Those feelings are for lesser beings. I've got everything together and figured out."

Haha. Even as I write this, I'm pretty sure that it comes across that I'm in a mood.

But writing doesn't convey mood as easily as talking. Tone, body posture, general emotional vibe, etc. aren't present. So maybe you think that I do have it all together. Sometimes it seems like I do. I feel confident and powerful. Ready to take on the world.

But sometimes I don't feel that way.

Currently I'm in an awkward zone with my wife. We're coldly avoiding each other because we know there's something to discuss. We also know, from experience, that it will probably be resolved when we do talk. But the amount of energy it takes to broach the subject in a healthy way, at this moment, feels like too much.

Now, if I take a step back, I'll see the error in that perception.

I've been told and taught that I could analyze the thinking going on (identify and refute thinking errors as I learned in CBT) or take time for myself or sit with the emotion or just get the conversation over with.

The truth, for me, seems to be that any of those things will help. They all have in the past. Do I want them to help now?

I've recently been reading a book titled, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. In this book she suggests that a lot of these issues stem from or surround attachment. I'm not feeling connected. 

From what I understand, I'm also probably using my current emotional state or behaviors to break away or maintain the distance that I so desperately want to get rid of. I'm supporting my feeling by spreading it to others. Or I'm pushing others away so that I don't have to feel connected when one of the solutions to my current emotional malaise is likely to connect. I need others.

It's probably true, but at some level I'm not convinced that it's true. I've been rebuffed before, and it feels worse to face that again than to keep my distance.

This is my story. I invite you to comment if you've ever been in a similar place. One thing that I usually get when sharing something like this is solutions. For whatever reason, and it's probably not just me, getting an answer or a solution when I'm looking for connection feels similar to a rebuff.

Yes, it's all in my head, but my body also feels it. I don't have a safe place or person to be with. I open up and instead of validation, I get told what I should be doing to fix it. I often do the same thing when someone comes to me in a similar state.

It feels like I should have a conclusion here. Some kind of resolution. But I don't. I'm still morose. I know some of the things that would help. I probably don't know some other things. I, like most of you, understand some things about the world. I'm not looking for an answer. I'm looking for love and connection. And at the same time I'm locking those things out.

I hope that you're reading this and you're on the other side. I hope that you're not where I am, but I also hope that this strikes a chord with someone. If you've felt similar feelings, I invite you to share them in the comments. You're also welcome to share some solutions that have worked for you.

Ultimately life is good. Individual moments can be hard. But overall, life is good.

I'm still playing with sign off lines, but I'll leave you with one that is working for me right now.

I love you.

Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.
Good luck.

Discussion About Sin #1

Over the years I've had quite a few thoughts on sin. What is it? How do we deal with it? Am I guilty of it? Is someone else? What do I do about my own sins? What do I do about someone else's? Does it matter if I sin? Is there such a thing as sin at all?

As a young boy, one of my nephews used the term "Sin Fighter". I'm not exactly sure what that meant to him or what it means to him now. I do know that this title has taken on meaning for me. My brother created a Facebook group dedicated to title, and throughout the years the concept has sparked a few discussions. For me, it's become somewhat of a passion. I hope that you'll join me as I look for a way to become a better sin fighter in my own life. And perhaps we can join ranks and fight sin together.

Ultimately, it seems like that's been one of the primary causes of humanity. To eradicate pain and suffering that we cause each other through our actions. There are a number of pitfalls in any pursuit of this kind. Labeling, stigmatizing, misunderstanding, lying, anger, corruption, and secrecy all come to mind. Nearly every organization, cause, or religion that has deemed certain actions as inappropriate has fallen victim to at least one of these pitfalls.

How can we, as fellow human beings, find a way to fight sin and not each other? How can we find a way to eliminate some of the negative actions that are common to human experience, and yet still accord each person the freedom and human dignity that they deserve?

One of the first things I'd like to do is define sin. Rather than use a definition found in a dictionary (though that is useful) I want to get at the heart of what sin is to me.

What is Sin?

I'm starting with this definition of sin: Sin is an action that we perceive as wrong in some way. A sin harms us or others physically, mentally, emotionally, or/and socially.

Not perfect, but enough to get started.

In many definitions, sin is tied to an offense against God, or a higher moral standard. I don't think that's completely wrong, but I think that tying the idea of sin to a particular religion or moral standard may turn some people off to the discussion*. And while I know that not everyone will be interested in this discussion, and I can't avoid offense completely, I do want to be inclusive. I want to invite everyone I can to join in the conversation in hopes that we can also join in the fight.

A survey of religions, moral philosophies, and societies quickly reveals that in general, humans believe that we can do "wrong" things. While some philosophies seem to posit that we can do no wrong, I haven't found any of those compelling. Moral relativism is one philosophy that springs to mind. I've encountered it in this way: good and evil are completely subjective. You may do something and call it evil while I call it good. Or you may do something good while I call it evil. Our point of view is what gives the action value.

I think there's some value to recognizing point of view, but strict moral relativism (the idea that anything you do is ok as long as you believe that it is.) seems extreme. A better way to describe my view is that personal understanding of right vs. wrong can affect how you feel about your actions. And how you feel about your actions definitely has an impact on how you deal with the results. But I don't think that I can picture someone who completely believes that whatever anyone does is ok. Especially if that person has to interact with others (the old, "Your freedom to swing your fist ends at the beginning of my nose." idea).

I'll talk about a few more that I find interesting as this thread develops. For the next step, I think I'll review some views on sin from around the world.

This post feels like a stumbling step forward on a journey. But as George once said, "You have to take a first step before you can take a second."

"Who is George?" you may ask.

That, my friends, is now a part of the mystery. 

*Though my own religious convictions are heavily influenced by my upbringing and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I hope to find a common ground that people with many different backgrounds and belief systems can join in a fight to make the world a better place. While my own views of this goal center on Jesus Christ, I acknowledge that not everyone will agree with me on that. Hopefully I can explore the topic in a way that will be useful to many.

New Year - New Schedule - New...Me?

 Hey all (and by all I mean me),

I thought I'd give this blogging thing another try. I liked it the first time around, but now I think that I'd like to have a bit of a purpose. I have had some experiences in the past few years. Some of them were really crappy. I mean REALLY crappy.

I lost my wife to...maybe I'll share those details sometime. Maybe not. But she is now my ex-wife. That was hard. I attempted to take my own life. Luckily, I failed. Well, I say luck, but it had a lot to do with having so many good people around me and supporting me. I also give a shout out to God on this one. Whether it was just not my time, or he didn't want me yet, or he wanted to give me some more time to fix some of my mistakes, or what. I recognize his hand and his will in my current existence. I really hope that some of you who are reading this don't agree or don't believe in God. It would be nice to think my audience is that big. If you're out there reading this, and you lean in that direction, thanks for giving me the space to hold my beliefs even when you don't agree. I hope that my exploration of topics over the next few months will be useful or interesting to you as well.

Here are a few of the things I'll probably be discussing in no particular order:

• Life
• Death
• Suicide
• Vulnerability
• Self Help Books
• Validation
• Marriage
• Love
• Kids
• Self Improvement
• Religion (Usually Christianity and specifically my views as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints....I can even tell you what that name means and why we have it.)
• God

Here are some of my other interests that may pop up as well:

• Writing
• Poetry
• Board Game Design
• Education
• Languages and Language Learning
• Language Teaching
• Language building
• Telepathy
• Symbols
• Meaning Making
• Reading
• World Building

Here are some things that I say I'm interested in, but rarely actually get around to. They might find a post every once in a while also.

• RPGs and RPG Creation
• Hiking
• Soccer (playing, I watch even less than I play)
• Food (I'm not a foodie, but sometimes I have opinions)

This blog is not meant to teach, dictate, guide, direct, shame, or sell to you. It's an exploration. A journey. In the words of James Allen's foreword from the book As A Man Thinketh, "This little [blog] (The result of meditation and experience) is not intended as an exhaustive treatise on the much-written-upon subject of [well, anything]. It is suggestive rather than explanatory, it's object being to stimulate men and women to the discovery and perception of the truth..."

James Allen's book is about how we make ourselves in our thoughts. How "They themselves are makers of themselves..." referring to people in general. His book is probably good. I got it for Christmas and I've just started reading the foreword. (Thanks Josh)

Along with all these topics, I'll also be sharing some resources that I've found useful in my journey. Hopefully I can get together a page for that and maybe I'll create specific posts or overviews/reviews of books, resources, or ideas that I list. I'll have people I know share some of their thoughts, and maybe get some more content. I want to curate goodness if I can. If you have thoughts or topics you'd like to share, or if you'd like me to talk about something specific, feel free to mention it in the comments. I'll create a way to contact me eventually, but I don't want a millionty two spam messages coming to my inbox so I'm not ready to to that. Besides, the readership of this blog is so far one, and I think I know how to reach me...or at least I'm learning.

I'll also attempt to come back to this post and create some links to some of the subject matter above.

I'm not deleting any of my prior posts because we all have a journey and I think there's value in letting us be where we were when we were there.

Life is hard. And life is good. I love you all so much, even though I don't know you. I hope that in some way I can be a part of your life's journey, and I hope that that way is positive for you. Your life is your own. I don't really have anything to say about it. But I hope that in our journey, struggle, battle that we all face here, we can reach out and strengthen one another. Pulling back one strand of darkness at a time. Finding a way to point ourselves toward light and love and happiness. Not alone, but together.

I love you.

Come as you are, but don't expect to stay as you are. (Jeffrey R. Holland)

Let yourself be okay with your day.

Always do your best, and remember that your best isn't always your best. (The 4 Agreements...Thanks Dave)

(Sorry, just brainstorming some sign off lines.)

Derrick

Make Her Fall In Love With You Again

 I narrated a book that has a line in its title that I've thought about often. The title is The Best Husband Award Goes To Me: How To Be A Better Husband And Learn To Recognize The Mistakes You Make, Change The Way You Treat Your Wife And Make Her Fall In Love With You Again

It's a mouthful of a title, and a sentiment that I've seen a lot of people looking for. And overall, I think there are some useful things for husbands to think about in this book. But the one part that keeps me up at night is the final phrase, "Make her fall in love with you again."

I'm all for treating your spouse with kindness, respect, honesty, and as an equal partner. But I am wary of trying to make her or anyone else do anything. Your spouse has a choice. Now, when we get married, that choice is formalized. Two people commit to each other. You both make your choice known. It's an agreement that is meant to last.

But that agreement is not always permanent. If one or the other of the party chooses to leave the relationship, no matter how painful it is to either one, that choice is always available. And it is not one spouse's choice to make for the other.

We should treat our spouses with honor and love. Be honest and kind. Be open and communicative. Do our best to listen, and to be heard.

And we should also allow them to make the choice about whether or not they love us.

The intimacy of the marriage relationship is the ultimate form of vulnerability. You trust someone else completely to make choices that could hurt you. But that trust is in their individual agency. Don't try to make anyone, let alone the person you want to spend your future with, fall in love with you. That cheapens the relationship. Let them choose to love you. Encourage them to choose you. Do your best to be your best and the best for them.

While the commitment of marriage is more important that our current culture makes it out to be, it is a bond that is best made through choice.

So, instead of "make her fall in love with you again." Find satisfaction in yourself. Love her, and let her choose to love you in return.

Audio Book Extravaganza

At the end of 2019 and beginning of 2020, I tried my hand at audio book narration. I love audio books. And I loved narrating. Unfortunately, life circumstances have dictated that I put narration on hold. I'll write up the tips that I found the most useful, but that might take a while. If you like listening to audio books, here are the four books that I managed to produce during that time. If you have considered signing up with Audible, you can sign up and get one of these books as part of your free trial.

If you're already on audible, then I'd be flattered if you gave any of these books a listen. I think any of them are worth your time.

2,489 Motivational Inspirational Quotes to Change Your Life Forever for Teens, Adults and Thinkers

This book is just what it says. nearly 2500 motivational quotes. I really enjoyed recording this book and the quotes from C.S. Lewis, Ghandi, Maya Angelou and many other historical and popular figures. One unexpected result was that  it inspired me to listen to others a bit more. I've since recorded many powerful quotes from people that I know and love around me.

The Miraculous Power of Butter Cookies

This fun story about three sisters healing their relationship through cooking and competition was one of the last books I recorded. It's got some great comic moments, and if you're a fan of cooking shows like Nailed It, or Chopped, then you'll probably find something here you enjoy.

Communication Secrets: How To Be Your Best Self And Build Fruitful And Lasting Relationships With Others

When I started narrating, I felt like it would be a good chance to read some positive motivational and self help books. I was right. This one was easy to read and has an approachable style. Definitely some great information here. 

The Best Husband Award Goes To Me: How To Be A Better Husband And Learn To Recognize The Mistakes You Make, Change The Way You Treat Your Wife And Make Her Fall In Love With You Again

This final book is a hard one for me. I narrated it as I was going through a difficult divorce. That makes the subject matter and title a bit awkward, I'll admit. I didn't write it. But I did read it. I chose this book because I wanted to know, "What's wrong with me?" and "Where did I screw up?" It was a powerful read for me, and difficult under the circumstances. I think I'm a better person now, and can easily recommend this book for those who are looking at themselves introspectively.

Video Idea:

Ok, I want to see this video. Go and create:

A child watching a bodybuilder do a deadlift. "Woah"

Father, "Yes, he is strong. But perhaps we should not judge a man's strength by what he picks up, but how he lays it down."

Montage:
- Man not lighting a cigarette and putting it down.
- Man Putting down a power tool to help a child.
- Man putting down a phone to listen to his wife.
- Man putting down his keys when he is clearly intoxicated
- Man counting to ten and taking deep breaths, putting down his anger.
- Man setting a plate on the table
- Man putting food into a homeless person's hands
- Man Putting down a baby to sleep.

Deadlifter drops the bar with a crash.

Child, "Dad, you're weird."

Dad, "Yeah" Puts hand down on child's shoulder as they walk away.

Audio on Audible

Jumping into the audio narration scene has been a fun adventure. I've narrated one book and am under contract for another. One is a nonfiction self help book about communication called

Communication Secrets: How To Be Your Best Self And Build Fruitful And Lasting Relationships With Others By:  Scott Gover

It's informative and worth your time if you're into communication.

The next one is a fun story that I'll be putting posting about when it's available.

It sometimes feels like this is too easy, but I know from the Dunning-Kruger Effect that I just happened to have the right background. I have a degree in theater and training in speaking. I have experience reading books on tape for disabled students when I attended SUU. I've read for my children, and I've spent the last two years practicing and gathering the equipment. So when I finally made the plunge it felt like it was easy. I still have a lot to learn, but I've been excited about the journey so far.

It's easy to forget some of the hard work you've done in life. What are some of the skills that you've developed over time?

Voice Over Work

I had the wonderful opportunity to work with Life Launch Centers to narrate a short video about Viktor Frankl, the Holocaust, and the power of a positive attitude. The story of the Holocaust is one of the terrible tragedies of modern history, I am continuously amazed at the stories of those who faced that horror. Those who died, and those who survived. We should truly never forget the suffering of so many people and the lessons that we can learn from them.

Here are the links:

Full Video
Victor Frankl story only

Negative Wordcount

If you've ever talked to me about writing, especially writing productively, then you probably know that I'm a big fan of tracking your wordcount. It has so many statistical uses. For example if you know how many words you can produce per hour (on average) then you can:

1. estimate how long it will take you to complete a project
2. set realistic weekly or daily goals
3. push yourself to reach those goals
4. bill yourself for hours that you're going to work and treat yourself like a professional with realistic goals and deadlines

Of course, there are also drawbacks. If you push yourself to hit wordcount goals, you may settle for sub-par writing. You might see your goals pile up on you and get overwhelmed. Or, as happened to me today, you may have to delete a section of your writing and come up with a negative word count.

There are of course methods for dealing with each of these. I view my wordcount goals like I view plot structure models. They're good for analysis, but not necessarily good to think about when actually writing. This allows me to focus on writing when I'm writing, and then look at my wordcount afterwards. If I need a little extra push when I'm sitting at 349 words, and my goal is 395, I know I can do just a bit more. But if I get to 349 words and I'm struggling to come up with more, my kids  need me, or I have to go to work (at my other job, because as we all know writing is work), I can be satisfied with where I got and get back to it in my next writing session.

To avoid overwhelming goals, I just don't set cumulative goals. My goal for every day right now is about 492 words. That is a little less than an hour of work when I'm in the middle of a project. A little more when I'm starting out a new project or trying to get my head into a new scene, chapter, book, etc. When I started setting goals, I would freak out if I didn't hit my goal for two days and I'd add them to my next writing session. After a rough week, that might mean that I'm trying to write 3600 words in one sitting. I've done that before, but it can be terribly demotivating if I don't have the proper momentum built up, or if I don't have the time to commit to a six hour session. So my numbers don't roll over anymore. I might get ambitious sometimes and set a weekly goal, but that's entirely situational.

Now for the reason I'm writing this post at all. Negative wordcount.

There have been a number of times that I've been racking my brain to figure out how to finish a scene, or where to go next in my book. Usually, and I discovered this from a writing newsletter from Dave Wolverton, this is because I'm not satisfied with one or more choices I've made. I did something wrong and it's affecting the story so much that I can't continue until I go back. (Usually I discourage going back to edit your story while writing the first draft, but that's a topic for another time.) When this happens, I give myself some time to review the scene and find a better solution, one I'm more satisfied with. Then, when I go back to make the changes, my wordcount calculator shows that I've not only failed to add words but I've actually gone backwards.

The first time this happened I was devastated. I looked back at my productivity and saw an encouraging upward trend, and then all of a sudden I was in the negative. But when I analyzed what I was feeling, I recognized that I actually felt good about what I had written. The material was better than what I had originally produced, and I knew I had made the right choice.

Now when I hit a negative wordcount day, I am excited. It means that I'm progressing my story in underlying ways that make it a better product. To fall back on a well used saying; quality over quantity. I'm increasing quality in the long run while the quantity suffers a bit in the short run.

While I wouldn't recommend simply deleting whole pages just to get a negative wordcount, it's useful to remember that statistics are just numbers representing events in real life. They're tools for us to use, not masters for us to bow down to.

So, celebrate your progress, even if that progress is measured in the negative.

This is Incredible!

I subscribe to a newsletter from David Farland (aka Dave Wolverton). I have to recommend his regular emails. They have incited me to examine my craft and he gives much good advice.

If he's not your cup of tea, then find someone else. Brandon Sanderson and crew have created Writing Excuses, an excellent podcast on writing. Alexa Donne has some great advice on her youtube channel.

Professor Jane Friedman has a wonderful course on publishing in the Great Courses

Or look for advice from your favorite writer. I'm sure there's a paper or interview somewhere on the internet.

My point is, you have resources. Learning how to write is a master's degree level endeavor with very little feedback from your professors. Take some time to learn about the craft. Just remember to write too.

What are some resources you've used?

So Many Things

I am the 4th of 7 children. Right smack dab in the middle. I never really needed to be interested in things. Most everything that was cool was what my big brothers liked. Music, TV shows, toys. I didn't really need to think about clothes either because I just got them from my big brothers. This, coupled with my personality, led me to generally just going with the flow for a lot of things.

Then one day I was a big kid and I needed new shoes. I didn't know what I wanted. I never had to think about it. I saw other kids with zipper pockets in their shoes and thought that was cool. I liked converse high tops. But I didn't really know what to look for in shoes.

This happened again as I got old enough to go house hunting for myself and my new wife. My father was in the military, and so we usually just lived in military housing. I just moved my box of stuff (I had a bit more, but I tried to keep everything that was important in one box and then a suitcase for clothes) into whatever new place I found myself. Moving every couple of years. When it came time to get my own place,  I didn't have much insight. I didn't know square footage, building type, materials, not to mention how much it would cost up front. I knew some things I liked or didn't like, but there was so much more that I had never thought of.

Finally it happened again. As a father and husband, one of the things that my wife did was the grocery shopping. I would help out every once in a while, but she was the one in charge. Then she stopped working. I mean her body stopped being able to do the things she normally did, like walking farther than one side of the room to the other, getting enough oxygen, pumping blood to everywhere she needed, that kind of stuff. Life changed, and I took on the shopping. I had always just eaten whatever, but then when it was up to me I was daunted by the sheer number of bread varieties. Which pasta sauce was the one my family would like? Which kind of fruit snacks or cereal?

I thought I knew what I wanted, but when faced with making the actual choices, I realized there was so much more than what I had expected.

Writing a book is similar. I've often planned for a book. Writing outlines, character studies, doing world building. But when I start writing I realize just how much I didn't think of. During a scene, my character would stand up and walk to the other side of the room to grab a cup. But what else was on the shelf? Was it a sticky mess that he had to pry the cup up from, was there a certain cup she wanted but it was dirty so she had to decide whether to clean it or use an inferior vessel, or was the room sterile and clean with the exact cup in the exact place? Was the cup on a counter, on a dresser, in a cupboard, suspended from goo? What does it smell like? Then, what was my character drinking? Does their culture drink water? Is water safe to drink in this technology level? Is there a more common drink, or a specialty drink that they want?

I'm happy to report that in each one of those situations I eventually figured it out. I know some of the traits I want in shoes, I have a home that fits me, and I know what kind of bread to buy. Though every pair of shoes is a new adventure.

Each time I write a story, I get a little bit better at knowing what questions to ask before hand. Going in, I know how to set a scene, I know what generally will be happening, and I know the basics of the environment and culture.

But there are still questions that don't come up until I'm actually writing. I'm getting better at knowing how to answer these questions, but they will always be with me. That's part of the fun of writing, solving new problems.

So, if you get stuck facing questions that you didn't know you'd need to answer, just keep writing. You'll get to know what to look for, and what you like. Even if you've already planned every detail, there are new details that you didn't know to look for (did you know, for instance, that bread used to be good for you).

Every new book is going to bring new questions to overcome. Face them by writing. By the end of the book, you might finally realize what your first chapter should have been. Good new is, at that point you can go back and revise. You don't even have to refinance.

Icarus

The story of Icarus warns us of the dangers of flying too high. Hubris, unchecked ambition, and the untamed vivacity of youth. Most of us are aware of that message, which is useful. We should be wary of living beyond our means, of reaching too far too fast, of thinking that we are more capable than we are. "Don't fly too close to the sun."

But there is another message that is glossed over in modern day allusions to this myth. We must fly.

Icarus' father, Daedalus, also warned of the dangers of flying too low. Of no ambition at all. Of  the lack of motivation. Apathy.

Today, you can easily find advice against Daedalus' warning. Admonitions to, "Shoot for the stars," "go for the gold," "You can do/be anything."

These encouraging messages are not wrong. We must try. To achieve his goal of freedom, Daedalus and Icarus had to fly. They had to make the attempt. But Icarus' failure was that when he finally overcame his apathy, he did not temper his enthusiasm with wisdom.

So what's the take away?

We have to try, and we have to be wise.

How do we gain wisdom?

Luckily, most of our failures will not lead us to a watery grave. The first step is to overcome apathy, fear, anxiety. We must leap, believing that we will succeed, and then fail. And each failure will bring us wisdom so that we grow from Icarus to Daedalus. Heed the advice of those who are more wise, those who have gone before. Learn from our mistakes as we continue to try. And finally, we will have wisdom.

So, learn from Icarus. Don't fly too high, but don't be so afraid of crashing that you don't try to fly at all.