Ipso factorium

The best things in life are free, but are often facilitated by money. This is really a new concept for me. I didn't really start to think about money until I graduated from the university. I had some idea that I would be making money at my job, and I was certainly aware that things cost money. But I have been in easy situations throughout all of my life. I have had enough. I don't often crave the more expensive things that life sometimes calls for, and I am easily satiated. But when it came down to not having enough, I was at a loss and it has nearly broken me.

I did not have enough to pay my bills. I did not have enough to feed my family. I did not have enough to repay my debts.

Each one of these continually added on the other broke parts of my spirit that I may not be able to piece back together(I have no idea how some people face this their entire lives). I did not immediately get the job I expected. In fact, I did not get it at all. I somehow managed to make a little bit under enough and so my debt increased slowly. But I am now working in a job that I would rather not do to get what I need. Though the job is honest and at times enjoyable, I did not plan on it. Selling a service to each person that I meet on every doorstep that I can cross begins to drain my physical and emotional reserves as well. But life is not meant to be easy, and it certainly is not always meant to be fun. However, there is so much of both ease and enjoyment around that they can become distracting goals.

My goals were never so distracted as I find them now. As I say that, I must honestly confess that I am beginning to realize just how much I distracted myself from them. Instead of focusing on my family, my writing, my spirit, and other things that bring true joy, I would focus on how to get ease and pleasure. There is nothing wrong with ease and pleasure unless it comes at the expense of true joy. I find now that true joy takes true dedication and work. I cannot happily work just so that I can play a video game, or just so I can rest for days at a time. I find my work much more enjoyable when I am busy writing during my down time. When I remember my wife in everything I do. And when I remember to build myself spiritually.

I am grateful for this job that I have. Firstly because I am earning money to support my family. And secondly because I am learning about myself. Being nice is not always being good. Ease is not the same as peace. And I am not the same as I was.