Active Listening

When I was 14 or 15 I heard about active listening. I was engaged by the idea and I have tried to implement the practice ever since. 

But I don't do it very well, especially in high tension conversations. Something to keep working on. 

My brother reminded me of the principle and shared this link to an article on some good phrases or behaviors to use that might help me in my active listening. 

Do you have any tips or resources? I'd love to hear them. Let me know below or send me a message. 

Productivity - Round Two

(This is an old article. Never published, but drafted on 10/11/2015. I read though it and thought it was still worth sharing.)

In preparing for next year's LTUE, I've been thinking about writing productivity. It's kind of a pet research project of mine.

Here are a few links to other writers talking about productivity that I found:

• John Cleese gave a great presentation on productivity and what he called "turtling". You can find it here.
• Rachel Aaron posted as a guest on the SFWA blog "How I Went From Writing 2,000 words a day to 10,000 words a day.".... Hmm, I guess she's got a book about it now.

Here are some of my thoughts:

The Subconscious brain (Keeps working on your problems while you do something else. i.e. the Winnie the Pooh effect, or "sleep on it") Salvador Dali reportedly would sit in a chair with a pencil in his had and fall asleep. When he did, the pencil would slip out of his hand and wake him up. The thoughts he had in those moments were one place that he sought inspiration.

John Cleese again

Creativity is not a talent, but a mood. A way of thinking in which you "play" with ideas and solutions. Your mind is "open" to possible solutions. You're not just plugging in the "right" answer, you're open to other possible solutions.

We need to be in the open mode when we're pondering. We need to be in the closed mode when we decide upon a solution. We need to act on our solution without fear that we're wrong. In open mode, we are always slightly suspicious that there's a better way. In closed mode we are simply implementing the way we've chosen (though we justify to ourselves that we have chosen the right way). It has to be that way. To carry out a task successfully, we can't question ourselves. It's important that we balance these two modes.

Here's a little anecdote. I have a full time job. Some of you might as well. It doesn't give me a lot of time to write. I don't get to sit around for three or more hours a day working on my manuscripts. But, my wife is patient enough with me to give me some time every day to write. I get 1 hour. After I get off work, I go to work writing. Sometimes I go to the library (which was very important in starting this habit),  Sometimes I come home and go unfeelingly into my bedroom which doubles (poorly I might add) as an office.

I've found time and again that one hour is barely enough to get into a creative mindset. I'll think and relax, try to clear my mind, and start writing at about minute 45. For those of you who are not great mathematicians, that means I get 15 minutes of writing every day. How long would it take to write a novel at that rate?

Fortunately, I stumbled upon a tool which was confirmed when I listened to John Cleese's presentation. I have lunch and two 15 minute breaks at work. Now I can't really write during those breaks. The environment is too distracting, there's not enough time, and....well...I like the Foosball too much.

But when I tried writing on my breaks, I discovered that I did have the time to jot down a few notes about what happens next in my stories. Just one or two sentences. Even poorly written sentences. This is not necessarily an outline. I am an outliner, but I've already done that. This is just a quick reminder to myself about the scene I'm getting ready to write. Then, when I'm driving home or to the library, I turn off the radio. I take another moment to get things out of the way. I let my mind again wander toward my story. I take myself out of the frustrations of my world, knowing that at 6:30 exactly, I will get right back to them.

And it works.

I've been able to come to my one hour of writing and instead of 15 minutes, I get closer to 50 minutes of productivity. I am actually making progress.

Why?

I'm engaging two of my brains tools. First, I'm giving my subconscious mind something to work on. I'm "sleeping on it" even though I'm still awake. Second, I'm removing a task from my brain's workload during the writing time. That frees up brainpower to work on the actual task of writing. If I sit down and wonder, "What am I going to write?" then I'm in the open mode. But when I sit down to write the scene that I've already prepared in my subconscious mind (with a little work on the conscious side. Remember I've already written an outline and painted with some broad strokes.) for the task. I sit down and can enter my "closed" mode and get down to business.

Intermediate Impossibles - It doesn't matter if this idea is absurd, it's a stepping stone to a new idea.

Crisis Mode - You can engender a permanent attitude of crisis if you're not careful. Avoid at all times the idea that any activity is a crisis. If your assignment is due and you don't have time, it's not a crisis. Do the best you can with what you have. If your child falls off the slide and cracks their forehead open, it's not a crisis. Take care of the situation. Take care of your child. Do well with what you have. But do not enter crisis mode. Crisis is an attitude that can be applied to dirty dishes, someone using your cell phone, a job not finished in time. Work to get things done right. Set goals. Do your best in a bad situation. But never enter crisis mode unless you have an actual crisis. You run the risk of losing control of what little power you have to help the situation. Finish the job, and then freak out afterword if a little freak out is necessary. I have five brothers and one sister. We had injuries in our house growing up. My mother always calmly bandaged our wounds, took us to the doctor for stitches, or took care of the problem. And then, when everyone was safe, she would fall apart. In moments of crisis, we should never fall apart. Avoid the attitude of crisis. Everything can be resolved, and if it can't, then we have no control. Don't worry. Just write.

Breathe

Poem 1/22/2023

Breathe out
and your breath is gone.

The sun sets,
and all is dark.

Slowly but surely,
the moon disappears.
Each night taking one slice more.

Autumn appears
and the world starts to pass away
into the cold, dark, winter.

Time comes
and takes your companions away.

What can we learn in a world so full of endings?
What can we gain from a life so full of death?

Even Jesus died.
.
.
.
And then he rose again.

We can learn that endings come and go.
We can learn that death is not the end.

Companions old and new
bring joy once again.

Leaves break through the snow.
Branches bud in new warmth
of spring.

Slice by slice every passing night
The moon returns.

Morning light breaks
with a new Sun

Air is not gone forever
we breathe in.

---
Note:
Life is full of abundance. There is enough for all of us and more. Joy, space, food, drink, shelter, love. Just because the world turns away from the sun, doesn't mean the sun is gone. Don't fear the darkness. The world always turns back around. Live in abundance for yourself, and everyone else.

I Care.

Princess Leia Organa : Your friend is quite the mercenary. I wonder if he really cares about anything. Or anybody. [she stalks out] 

Luke Skywalker : [calling after her]  I care.  Luke Skywalker - IMDB.com

This is a follow up/response to my last post. "Who gives a crap?" 

I wanted to post a follow up because we don't live in a single instant. We are time travelers. Always moving forward.  

“You can't cross the same river twice, I always say.”

Granny Weatherwax - Equal Rites

or perhaps you'd like a more traditional, quote.

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." 

Heraclitus - Brainy Quotes

So I'm not the same man that I was two weeks ago when I made that post. In fact things changed rather quickly. Within a day or two. But those moments when I feel that post, I tend to forget that these posts exist. And if I do remember them, it's sometimes hard to not resent them, get angry, or dismiss them. Brandon Sanderson says something about that in his book Oathbringer.

“He felt good lots of days. Trouble was, on the bad days, that was hard to remember. At those times, for some reason, he felt like he had always been in that darkness, and always would be.”

-Kaladin, Oathbringer

We go numb, or we want to. We forget what the world looks like outside of our funk. The moment takes over.

Why? There are a number of theories about that. Fight or flight, survival brain, anxiety, predetermined response, etc. I don't know which one is right. I just know what happens to me.

In the darkness, in the hurt, in the funk, I can't see out. And what's worse, in those moments, I don't want to.

There's a piece of advice that goes like this, "You could if you wanted to. You have free will. You're choosing your pain." And I know that.

Unfortunately, for me, the problem doesn't seem to be about what I know. At least not in that way. I know I have the choice. In fact, I'm even more upset that I'm upset because I know I shouldn't be. I'm smarter than that, and the feelings still take over.

Now, I've done a bit of therapy*, and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) is something that's helped me. It helps kind of take care of the problem "upstream" as they say. And it can help in the moment. I'll do a full post on it sometime, probably a couple because it has been so useful to me. But here's the overview.

Our brains do stuff when something happens. It's pretty amazing. A lot of times, they even kick it into autopilot. We can react to things before we consciously know what's going on. That can be helpful. Especially in a dangerous situation. Our brain managed to keep us alive once when we were on the top rung of a ladder. So the next time we get up there, our brain is pre-programmed to watch out for that as a danger. If we refuse to go up a ladder because our brain is getting that program ready, then we reinforce the perceived threat. The more we do that, the stronger the brain's response is to that particular threat (real or not). So our brain avoids danger by staying away from danger. And soon we can't even look at a ladder without getting nervous.

That's probably simplified, but it's how I currently understand the basic principle.

The problem comes in when our brain responds to something in a way that is inappropriate. We went to a friend's house once and we were embarrassed. So we don't go back again. We were stressed and overwhelmed and yelled at our friends and then they all came and gave us hugs. So next time we're stressed and overwhelmed, we start to feel like yelling. We had someone hurt us in a significant way. So our brain develops the "distrust" algorithm whenever a similar trigger comes along.

CBT is designed to kind of attack these autopilot algorithms that have kept us safe, but are now being triggered in other circumstances that may not seem connected.

I'm in a store and when I pick up an avocado, I suddenly feel anxious. I put the avocado down and have to take a few breaths and force myself to stay in the store.

What?

I like avocados. I don't particularly like all guacamole. (Well I didn't, but I've grown to enjoy many of them.) But there is nothing in my history about avocados that should make me nervous. Why is this happening?

It turns out that the guy on the other side of the produce stand who just picked up a green pepper, yeah, he's a dead ringer for the guy that someone special cheated on me with...multiple times. I went into a spiral of depression each time getting worse. My brain knows that. It remembers the crying, the hurting, the suppression, the anger, the unexpected rage, the darkness. My brain doesn't want that to happen again. So what does it do? It starts giving me warnings. Starts some of the subroutines. It's a good brain, so it does that without me even realizing what's going on. 

Who's a good brain? You. You're a good brain. Yes you are!

The problem is, the perceived threat isn't a real threat. That guy across the produce section isn't the guy. After a second of awkward staring out of the corner of my eye I can easily tell that it's not him. My brain is going into overdrive protective mode like a helicopter parent on (well...I was going to say steroids, (Ugh, autocorrect is telling me that I spelled steroids wrong, but I totally know it's right.) but that seems too cliché.) So a helicopter parent on Michael Bay. Or maybe Liam Neeson, or to be more inclusive, a helicopter parent on Danai Gurira (You'll have to scroll down and look at the Okoye section).

So, enter CBT.

In as few words as I can (and you can tell that I don't do few words) I will give you the steps.

1. Recognize the feeling you're having.
2. Give it a name and say it
3. Try to identify the cognitive distortion (thinking error) that is feeding the feeling.
4. Think about what you did last time you had this feeling. If you can, consider an alternative response. (Last time I was freaked out like this, I threw the fruit at the guy and ran away. This time maybe I'll put the fruit down and talk to him and prove that it's not that guy. Umm, are you serious? I'm not doing that. I'm still fighting to stay in the store. Okay, maybe...)
5. Alternative actions - Recognizing that the completely rational or brave thing to do might be too much, consider trying something else that you didn't before and see if it's effective. (Maybe this time I just put the fruit down and walk to another section of the store. I can come back and get avocado's at the end of my shopping trip. Oh, Ok. Yeah. I guess that is better than throwing things.)
6. Ride out the feelings. Yeah, they suck. It probably won't be easy. Maybe you need to call a friend. Maybe you need to get yourself a snow cone. But know that these feelings will probably go away because they have before.)
7. Tons of other skills that can be used to help. I'm just gonna link to this page again, because they explain it pretty well.

So this may not be your answer. Maybe it's not even close. But it's something that helped me. And even if it's not your answer, I just wanted you to know that I'm okay right now. Because sometimes we're not. Sometimes we don't want to give a care. And sometimes we do.

-I love you.-

-Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.-
-Good luck.-

Who gives a crap?

 "Who gives a..." I'll let you choose your preferred expletive there.

Google, or whatever algorithm is running behind my typing thinks that I should have said "expletives" up there. I don't know why. But that's okay. Maybe the algorithm knows that you have more than one. I'm sorry if it's been that kind of day.

This is a common thought for me. "Who gives a...", or "Whatever?" or just tossing my hands up mentally in the air. I don't want to deal. I don't want to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, where I am, and I don't want to make the effort that I know it will take to be somewhere else.

I know that being somewhere else would be preferable. But I'm kind of numb.

When I reach out to others, the usual answer is someone telling me what I should do. How to get out of my funk.

I have thoughts. Plenty of theories about why I feel numb and what I can do to change that. But, "What's the use?"

That's the feeling. That's the best I can do to describe my mental and emotional state in those circumstances. And I say "those circumstances" here because I want to distance myself from them in your mind as a reader. "I'm not feeling that," I seem to be saying, "I'm intelligent and thoughtful. Those feelings are for lesser beings. I've got everything together and figured out."

Haha. Even as I write this, I'm pretty sure that it comes across that I'm in a mood.

But writing doesn't convey mood as easily as talking. Tone, body posture, general emotional vibe, etc. aren't present. So maybe you think that I do have it all together. Sometimes it seems like I do. I feel confident and powerful. Ready to take on the world.

But sometimes I don't feel that way.

Currently I'm in an awkward zone with my wife. We're coldly avoiding each other because we know there's something to discuss. We also know, from experience, that it will probably be resolved when we do talk. But the amount of energy it takes to broach the subject in a healthy way, at this moment, feels like too much.

Now, if I take a step back, I'll see the error in that perception.

I've been told and taught that I could analyze the thinking going on (identify and refute thinking errors as I learned in CBT) or take time for myself or sit with the emotion or just get the conversation over with.

The truth, for me, seems to be that any of those things will help. They all have in the past. Do I want them to help now?

I've recently been reading a book titled, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. In this book she suggests that a lot of these issues stem from or surround attachment. I'm not feeling connected. 

From what I understand, I'm also probably using my current emotional state or behaviors to break away or maintain the distance that I so desperately want to get rid of. I'm supporting my feeling by spreading it to others. Or I'm pushing others away so that I don't have to feel connected when one of the solutions to my current emotional malaise is likely to connect. I need others.

It's probably true, but at some level I'm not convinced that it's true. I've been rebuffed before, and it feels worse to face that again than to keep my distance.

This is my story. I invite you to comment if you've ever been in a similar place. One thing that I usually get when sharing something like this is solutions. For whatever reason, and it's probably not just me, getting an answer or a solution when I'm looking for connection feels similar to a rebuff.

Yes, it's all in my head, but my body also feels it. I don't have a safe place or person to be with. I open up and instead of validation, I get told what I should be doing to fix it. I often do the same thing when someone comes to me in a similar state.

It feels like I should have a conclusion here. Some kind of resolution. But I don't. I'm still morose. I know some of the things that would help. I probably don't know some other things. I, like most of you, understand some things about the world. I'm not looking for an answer. I'm looking for love and connection. And at the same time I'm locking those things out.

I hope that you're reading this and you're on the other side. I hope that you're not where I am, but I also hope that this strikes a chord with someone. If you've felt similar feelings, I invite you to share them in the comments. You're also welcome to share some solutions that have worked for you.

Ultimately life is good. Individual moments can be hard. But overall, life is good.

I'm still playing with sign off lines, but I'll leave you with one that is working for me right now.

I love you.

Give yourself permission to be okay with your day,

and let tomorrow be tomorrow.
Good luck.

Discussion About Sin #1

Over the years I've had quite a few thoughts on sin. What is it? How do we deal with it? Am I guilty of it? Is someone else? What do I do about my own sins? What do I do about someone else's? Does it matter if I sin? Is there such a thing as sin at all?

As a young boy, one of my nephews used the term "Sin Fighter". I'm not exactly sure what that meant to him or what it means to him now. I do know that this title has taken on meaning for me. My brother created a Facebook group dedicated to title, and throughout the years the concept has sparked a few discussions. For me, it's become somewhat of a passion. I hope that you'll join me as I look for a way to become a better sin fighter in my own life. And perhaps we can join ranks and fight sin together.

Ultimately, it seems like that's been one of the primary causes of humanity. To eradicate pain and suffering that we cause each other through our actions. There are a number of pitfalls in any pursuit of this kind. Labeling, stigmatizing, misunderstanding, lying, anger, corruption, and secrecy all come to mind. Nearly every organization, cause, or religion that has deemed certain actions as inappropriate has fallen victim to at least one of these pitfalls.

How can we, as fellow human beings, find a way to fight sin and not each other? How can we find a way to eliminate some of the negative actions that are common to human experience, and yet still accord each person the freedom and human dignity that they deserve?

One of the first things I'd like to do is define sin. Rather than use a definition found in a dictionary (though that is useful) I want to get at the heart of what sin is to me.

What is Sin?

I'm starting with this definition of sin: Sin is an action that we perceive as wrong in some way. A sin harms us or others physically, mentally, emotionally, or/and socially.

Not perfect, but enough to get started.

In many definitions, sin is tied to an offense against God, or a higher moral standard. I don't think that's completely wrong, but I think that tying the idea of sin to a particular religion or moral standard may turn some people off to the discussion*. And while I know that not everyone will be interested in this discussion, and I can't avoid offense completely, I do want to be inclusive. I want to invite everyone I can to join in the conversation in hopes that we can also join in the fight.

A survey of religions, moral philosophies, and societies quickly reveals that in general, humans believe that we can do "wrong" things. While some philosophies seem to posit that we can do no wrong, I haven't found any of those compelling. Moral relativism is one philosophy that springs to mind. I've encountered it in this way: good and evil are completely subjective. You may do something and call it evil while I call it good. Or you may do something good while I call it evil. Our point of view is what gives the action value.

I think there's some value to recognizing point of view, but strict moral relativism (the idea that anything you do is ok as long as you believe that it is.) seems extreme. A better way to describe my view is that personal understanding of right vs. wrong can affect how you feel about your actions. And how you feel about your actions definitely has an impact on how you deal with the results. But I don't think that I can picture someone who completely believes that whatever anyone does is ok. Especially if that person has to interact with others (the old, "Your freedom to swing your fist ends at the beginning of my nose." idea).

I'll talk about a few more that I find interesting as this thread develops. For the next step, I think I'll review some views on sin from around the world.

This post feels like a stumbling step forward on a journey. But as George once said, "You have to take a first step before you can take a second."

"Who is George?" you may ask.

That, my friends, is now a part of the mystery. 

*Though my own religious convictions are heavily influenced by my upbringing and membership in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I hope to find a common ground that people with many different backgrounds and belief systems can join in a fight to make the world a better place. While my own views of this goal center on Jesus Christ, I acknowledge that not everyone will agree with me on that. Hopefully I can explore the topic in a way that will be useful to many.