"Who gives a..." I'll let you choose your preferred expletive there.
Google, or whatever algorithm is running behind my typing thinks that I should have said "expletives" up there. I don't know why. But that's okay. Maybe the algorithm knows that you have more than one. I'm sorry if it's been that kind of day.
This is a common thought for me. "Who gives a...", or "Whatever?" or just tossing my hands up mentally in the air. I don't want to deal. I don't want to be mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, where I am, and I don't want to make the effort that I know it will take to be somewhere else.
I know that being somewhere else would be preferable. But I'm kind of numb.
When I reach out to others, the usual answer is someone telling me what I should do. How to get out of my funk.
I have thoughts. Plenty of theories about why I feel numb and what I can do to change that. But, "What's the use?"
That's the feeling. That's the best I can do to describe my mental and emotional state in those circumstances. And I say "those circumstances" here because I want to distance myself from them in your mind as a reader. "I'm not feeling that," I seem to be saying, "I'm intelligent and thoughtful. Those feelings are for lesser beings. I've got everything together and figured out."
Haha. Even as I write this, I'm pretty sure that it comes across that I'm in a mood.
But writing doesn't convey mood as easily as talking. Tone, body posture, general emotional vibe, etc. aren't present. So maybe you think that I do have it all together. Sometimes it seems like I do. I feel confident and powerful. Ready to take on the world.
But sometimes I don't feel that way.
Currently I'm in an awkward zone with my wife. We're coldly avoiding each other because we know there's something to discuss. We also know, from experience, that it will probably be resolved when we do talk. But the amount of energy it takes to broach the subject in a healthy way, at this moment, feels like too much.
Now, if I take a step back, I'll see the error in that perception.
I've been told and taught that I could analyze the thinking going on (identify and refute thinking errors as I learned in CBT) or take time for myself or sit with the emotion or just get the conversation over with.
The truth, for me, seems to be that any of those things will help. They all have in the past. Do I want them to help now?
I've recently been reading a book titled, Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. In this book she suggests that a lot of these issues stem from or surround attachment. I'm not feeling connected.
From what I understand, I'm also probably using my current emotional state or behaviors to break away or maintain the distance that I so desperately want to get rid of. I'm supporting my feeling by spreading it to others. Or I'm pushing others away so that I don't have to feel connected when one of the solutions to my current emotional malaise is likely to connect. I need others.
It's probably true, but at some level I'm not convinced that it's true. I've been rebuffed before, and it feels worse to face that again than to keep my distance.
This is my story. I invite you to comment if you've ever been in a similar place. One thing that I usually get when sharing something like this is solutions. For whatever reason, and it's probably not just me, getting an answer or a solution when I'm looking for connection feels similar to a rebuff.
Yes, it's all in my head, but my body also feels it. I don't have a safe place or person to be with. I open up and instead of validation, I get told what I should be doing to fix it. I often do the same thing when someone comes to me in a similar state.
It feels like I should have a conclusion here. Some kind of resolution. But I don't. I'm still morose. I know some of the things that would help. I probably don't know some other things. I, like most of you, understand some things about the world. I'm not looking for an answer. I'm looking for love and connection. And at the same time I'm locking those things out.
I hope that you're reading this and you're on the other side. I hope that you're not where I am, but I also hope that this strikes a chord with someone. If you've felt similar feelings, I invite you to share them in the comments. You're also welcome to share some solutions that have worked for you.
Ultimately life is good. Individual moments can be hard. But overall, life is good.
I'm still playing with sign off lines, but I'll leave you with one that is working for me right now.
Good luck.
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