(This blog was written in February of this year (2/12/2007). At the time It was much too personal for me to post. I realize now that I don't really fear success, but the same old cliched fear of rejection seeps into my soul. I fear that what I have inside me is not what I think it is. I fear that by abandoning those places and stories inside me I have lost them and can never bring them to light. But what are these fears? They are excuses that keep me from writing. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of loss. These fears, all valid, should not hold us back....anyway, here's the post. Go back and read the title, then the next line down.)
It's an incredible feeling.
Tonight I sat and watched actors who will compete for the Irene Ryan acting award. And they were good. Very good. All of them working, acting, doing what artists do. Creating an emotion, a moment, a feeling that is as real to every member of the audience as if it were happening to them. And as I sat and watched I knew that I am every bit as good as any of them. Then the question came into my mind. Why? Why, if I'm so good, am I not up there driving the audience to an emotional crescendo. Why isn't it me standing there giving a speech about St. Crispin's day? Why aren't I teaching normal happy people what it feels like to hurt, to love, to laugh? And then the answer came to me. I'm scared. For the same reason that this post will probably never see anything but the file folder on my desk. I am scared.
The other day my wife watched me practice for an audition. At the end she said, "I've never seen you that angry before." Why?
Not why hasn't she seen me angry, but why has she never seen me express my emotions like that. Why has she never seen me act? We watch movies and she says, "Where do people come up with ideas like that?" The answer I long to give, the answer that festers deep inside of my heart is simply this; right here. I have worlds inside of me longing to break free. I can express myself through writing. I can write the part of a nation of powerful and interesting people, but I am afraid. What if I succeed?
What will I do if I actually get up there and move someone? What would I do if I wrote something that people loved? They would expect me to do it again. Again! I couldn't live with that. I'm just a quiet guy. But I long for so much more. My wife isn't holding me back. My family isn't holding me back. They don't even know the intensity of creation that boils within my soul. I think, I write, I feel with great power.
But I have written myself a different part. I have written the safe character who cannot take chances. I hide within this character that I have created and I pretend that it's me.
God give me the power to break my mold. Give me the strength to change the world around me. Give me the faith to leap up into that marvelous and inventive river of life that flows through all of creation. God help me to become who I was meant to be.
1 comment:
This post, that you were initially afraid to post, is amazing. The emotion in it, the fear, is tangible. I think that is part of successfully moving works of art. They contain the artist in them because the artist poured himself into his works. This post is a work of your art. Bravo.
Fear can be an excellent topic to write about. Orson Scott Card uses many different types of fear in his books. Learn from your fear. Learn how to make it a useful tool in your life. Everything you have been given can be used as a tool. Even the fiery darts of "The Adversary" can be used to benefit you. Think of life and the challenges in it like as if you are Neo seeing the Matrix for what it truly is. Essentially, that is all life is. A constructed environment built for our learning and development. Once we realize that, things that happens become additional information to build our wisdom and experience.
Here is one of my favorite quotes:
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." – Marianne Williamson
To help you overcome fear you could watch the movie, "The Secret" and read the book, "The Jackrabbit Factor".
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